Merging Love

This aspect is present from the beginning of life but dominates especially between two and ten months of age. This period of life generally coincides with the period of ego development, called the symbiotic phase by Margaret Mahler… In this state of ego development, the child is not aware of the mother or himself as separate individuals in their own right. The ego has not separated out. Mother and self are still a unity - a dual unity. In infant observation we find that when the infant experiences the dual unity without any frustration or conflict, his essential state is that of merging love. It is a pleasurable, sweet, melting kind of love. The baby is peaceful, happy and contented. (Essence, pg 92)

Whenever there is any loss of the symbiotic union, the dual unity with mother, the child experiences the loss of merging Essence. To repeat, this is because, for him, the merging love aspect of Essence is he and his mother together. (Essence, pg 93)

We can see that the merging love issue is one of the main unconscious determinants motivating adults toward intimate love relationships and is also the reason behind many of the difficulties in relationships. It is well known in depth psychology that people see their mothers in their love partners. This happens, of course, because individuals deeply feel and believe that their incompleteness will be eliminated and their longing will be satisfied by regaining the gratifying merged relationship with the mother, now displaced to a person of the opposite sex. (Essence, pg 96)